Brain Activity Map Project
by ChaliceInnana
Summary: The monkey poop thing has a happy ending. Sheldon frets and suddenly God comes into it. I just have had to accept that this is now AU. And smut to come.
1. Brain Activity Map Project

_Usual worship of the original founders of BBT._

_A/N: I need to do a one shot so my brain would start working. I read about this in the NYT, I thought the timing was super for Amy!_

**Brain Activity Map Project**

UCLA couldn't have picked a better time to piss Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler off. By taking her off her beloved monkey addiction research, the University had liberated her in a way they would come to regret.

The rumor floated for years, but the federal government finally committed to a ten year study to map the active human brain. Brain Activity Map Project would make the human genome project look quaint.

She'd knew what UCLA planned as their contribution to this great scientific undertaking and it didn't blow her skirt up. As long as she had her nicotine work, she wouldn't have jumped ship. Without it, she was unencumbered. She had built her reputation up to a point where as soon as the project was mentioned in the State of Union address, the job offers came pouring in. Most that were half way interesting would require relocation, and were therefore unacceptable. Happily, there was one offer which combined location and thrilling science.

Cal Tech.

Some of her former teachers from Stanford had jumped ship and joined Cal Tech at the beginning of the Academic year. They had begun to pursue her almost immediately to be their lead behavioral studies research. The science proposed represented all that she had ever dreamed of contributing the sum total of human knowledge. It was a life's work.

There was one issue clawing at her, causing her to hesitate. Cal Tech was Sheldon's workplace. Months later, she was still stung by him rejecting her as a replacement roommate. He had explained, apologized, accepted punishment, but it still stung. Her taking this job… she was irrationally angry that his attitude toward her working on the same campus as him gave her pause. If he objected, or worse, panicked again… What would she do?

No! She wasn't going to do play this game. Sheldon did not have a say in how or where she conducted her professional business. Her only other option was to move to Cambridge to work with the team at Harvard, which she didn't want to consider. She'd have to abandon not just Sheldon, but all her friends.

Striding up the stairs to Sheldon's apartment, drawn onward by the aroma of Thai food, she resolved to be bold. She would inform him (not ask) that she would join Cal Tech at the end of the academic year and hope that the presence of all their friends would force him suppress any ass-tastic reflex that overtook him. It was not a safe bet.

The opportunity to spill her guts never presented itself during the actual meal. Raj had brought Lucy for her first group night. She'd freaked out when offered a spring roll and locked herself in the bathroom. Amy watched with quiet amusement as the rest of the group except Sheldon and Leonard, attempted to coax Lucy out by banging on the door and yelling loudly that she was safe. Bernadette had gone particularly screechy. The best part was when Raj started to cry.

Sheldon turned his head and looked at her, "Would you handle this? Their food is starting to congeal, if they get food poisoning and it will ruin movie night."

"All right." She smiled at him and went to the door, shooing the others away with the stern admonishment, "What is wrong with you people?" She hunkered down by the side of the door and spoke in her monkey soothing voice.

It took 20 minutes, but without coaxing, cajoling or coercing, but she got that woman out of the bathroom. Lucy had responded to how much Amy really didn't care one way or another about why she'd locked herself in the bathroom or if she emerged anytime soon. The lack of pressure worked wonders. Amy also reassured her that no one thought less of her for this unfortunate event. Without adding that since her disastrous double dates with Howard/Bernadette and Leonard/Penny, her stock really couldn't go that much lower.

Sheldon had beamed proudly at her and went into the kitchen where he'd been keeping her dinner warm in the oven because he refused to allow her to get food poisoning. He'd been so sweet lately, she felt ashamed of doubting him at all. Also, he'd been following her with his eyes lately, more so than before. Tracking her the way a besotted cat would, wishing to know where she was, what she was doing, but trying to act like it wasn't a thing.

Once everyone was done with their food, Amy cleared her throat, "I have news." She announced, halting the rest of the conversations. "You know I am no longer working with the primate addiction studies at UCLA. I've been offered a position at Cal Tech to work on the Brain Activity Map Project."

She felt the room hold their breath as they waited for Sheldon's response.

"You'll be working at Cal Tech?" he asked with wide eyes. She nodded sharply, "Finally!" He broke into a grin and happily patted her leg.

"You don't mind?" Amy asked, smiling back her heart racing.

"Why would I mind? You working at UCLA has been nothing but inconvenient. If I want to have lunch with you I either have to lure into driving over or take the bus ride through the seventh circle of hell. Your commute is absurdly long, and Cal Tech neurobiology department is doing some very cutting edge work." Sheldon enumerated. "When you were happy at UCLA, I didn't want to bring it up."

Amy fought the urge to leap upon him and cover him with kisses. "The team being assembled… some of the great minds in this field… and they offered me a lead research role." She said eagerly. "I've accepted the position and I'll be starting in June."

Leonard looked interested, "Will you be working with the nano-science?"

"I hope to, that would be amazing." Amy smiled, "That is one of the reasons the Cal Tech proposal was so strong, the science is so bold. And I get to select my own team. Happily have three new Ph.D.'s that have been following me around like I was the Dave Matthew's band since they were undergraduate lab slaves."

The movie was skipped in favor of hearing more about Amy's news. The scientists were genuinely excited by the concept, Penny was pleased that Amy had rebounded from the monkey poop thing and Lucy was thrilled that nobody was paying any attention to her.

After the gang departed, Amy stayed to help clean up the kitchen. Sheldon seemed deep in thought, so she didn't speak to him, she just happily worked beside him.

"Why did you think I would mind you coming to Cal tech?" he asked abruptly. "Is it because of the… the roommate thing?"

She put her towel down on the island. "Yes. I admit that still bothers me. I wasn't sure if working at the same university would be too close for you." Here she quoted, "At our current level of intimacy."

"Amy, I was right about that. You are my girlfriend. If we moved into together it would be as my girlfriend, not my roommate." He paused, "That doesn't mean I don't want to see you every day. I do."

"Really?" she asked.

Sheldon threw his towel down on the counter, "Yes, really! Amy, I am such an ass at that you don't even believe that I like to have you around?" Her expression was slightly confused, which offended him."Well, that answers that question." He took a deep breath, "You are my favorite person. I've never liked to be with anyone more than you. If I don't have to wait for you to drive all the way from Westwood to see you at the end of the day, if I can have lunch with you every day, if we can get off work and do something while there is still daylight… I want those things." He stepped closer to her, but she cast her eyes to the floor.

Amy swallowed, "I know you care for me, but I worry that you might feel like I am pushing you… pushing too fast."

"And I worry that you seemed to have stopped pushing me." He replied. She looked up into his eyes, surprised, "I liked that you pushed. I need you to push. I am trying hard to not be so… uncomfortable with touching. It helps when you touch me first."

This had gotten super honest, super fast. "I want to, but I am scared."

"Of me?" he looked confused.

"Of more rejection. Of how much power I've given you over everything. My heart, my mind… I was so sure you were going to hate the idea of my working near you…" she paused, "I am scared that you'll break my heart without meaning to."

"That scares me too. Sometime, I am going to do something awful and wrong. I am afraid I won't even know what I've done until you are gone." Taking a deep breath, he rested his forehead on top of her head putting his hands on her shoulders. "The real upside for me of your new employment is that if the worst happens, I can pester you at work until you forgive me without taking the bus."

She giggled, covering his hands with hers, "Ah, I see that sexual harassment seminar really worked wonders."

"Oh, no. It made Alex even more disgruntled."

_A/N: According to the Neuron article, the Cal Tech Physics department is going to be working on nano-science and its applications in neuroscience for this study. Here's our change for their mutual Nobel._


	2. The Pay It Forward Misconception

_Usual disclaimers…_

**The Pay It Forward Misconception**

The next two weeks flew by. Her bosses at UCLA had been gratifyingly horrified by her resignation. The active brain mapping project required not just gifted scientists, but scientist known to be gifted. Taking Amy off her nicotine study, refusing to grant her tenure and the title of full professor had been meant to reign her in, to control her. Not only had it not worked, the fact that she had been denied full tenure meant that she could leave at the end of the academic year.

When Amy tendered her resignation, she saw it all very clearly. They wanted to harness her brilliance to power their lumbering processes. And they wished to do it inexpensively, so they had set out to make her doubt herself so she would be terrified of leaving.

Before, in a moment of self-doubt, she might have drawn an unpleasant parallel to her relationship to Sheldon. But since their talk in the kitchen, Amy was now aware that Sheldon worked on breaking his physical contact phobia for the sole reason that he desired to touch her. That he feared hurting her without meaning to and that seeing her everyday filled him with happiness.

If she'd had doubt of that, she'd been proven wrong. Sheldon had mobilized Leonard, Howard and Alex to give Amy all the knowledge necessary about Nano-Science to not only hit the ground running her first day at Cal Tech, but to become an expert about its applications in bio engineering. He'd spent time with her himself, explaining the theories, assisting her with the math and letting her know his expectations of her. Sheldon expected her to go Super Nova on Cal Tech's ass.

His confidence in her was gratifying, but even without it, going Super Nova had been Amy's plan all along.

This was going to be the first girls' night since she made the decision to switch jobs. Aside from her work, she and Sheldon had been double dating with Raj and Lucy, a couple times a week. Amy was looking forward to a night with no Nano-bots and with people whose company she could enjoy without mentally referencing Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders constantly.

It was going to be an adventure night, which meant they had to step outside the comfort zone. Tonight that meant driving to the Commerce Casino and playing in a Texas Hold 'em tournament. They had prepared a month earlier, on a previous girls' night, by getting drunk and watching World Poker Tour reruns on the Game Show Network until 4 in the morning.

"Bad news." Penny opened the door for Amy, frowning angrily.

"What happened?" Amy asked, following her into the apartment.

"Bernadette told Howard about the poker tournament, he told the boys, the boys are coming and Raj is bringing Lucy." She said in one breath before taking a long sip of wine. Seeing Amy's face fall, she refilled the glass of wine and handed it to her, smirking, "Little Miss Traumatic Stress Disorder getting to you?"

Amy held up a finger, and drained the glass in one swallow, "That's a mean thing to say. And, oh, yes. She is getting to me." She handed Penny the glass and sat down.

Penny shook her head, "Why are doing this? Sheldon and Raj aren't even that close. Leonard told me he was thinking about replacing him the group with someone more Latin." She grabbed the bottle, poured the rest in the glass and sat down next to Amy.

"You and Bernadette were nice to me when I first began seeing Sheldon. I just thought it was important to pay it forward." Amy said, taking a sip of wine and handing the glass back to Penny.

"Oh, God. Not the same thing at all! You are in no way karmically obligated to do this! You are balls to the wall, Ames, you always have been. Also, Bernadette's voice really irritated me at first, so I was immensely grateful for you and your NPR vocal stylings." Penny took a long sip, "Don't tell Bernadette I said that about her voice."

"I won't. She told me it sounds like Barry White inside her head."

"How is that possible?" the blonde asked, giggling.

Amy took the wine, "Benign brain tumor."

"That is your answer for everything."

"What can I say? It always explains a lot." Amy raised the glass in a toast.

By the time Sheldon and Leonard came over to pick them up, they'd started on the boxed wine.

Leonard shook his head, "You guys are not in any shape to play poker."

Penny shook her head, "Doesn't matter. Our girls' night is going to be ruined by boy cooties and Princess Panic Attack."

Amy picked up the box and tipped it, trying to get more wine out of it, "that is really mean, Penny. There is no such thing as boy cooties."

"I wouldn't say that." Sheldon said making Amy slide over to the center of the couch. He took Amy's glass away from her, "Warm white wine, Amy? Is it that bad?"

"Apparently." He held it to her lips and she took a sip, "I just need to unwind tonight."

"Sheldon, you've spent time with her…" Penny said, putting her head on Amy's shoulder, "What do you think of Lucy."

He paused, looked at Leonard, then back at the girls, "That she is the best Raj can do."

Leonard sighed, walked into the kitchen, got another box of wine out of the pantry and two more glasses. Handing a glass to Sheldon, he said, "That is depressing and accurate. Everybody drinks!"

After an hour of drinking and resolutely rejecting all phone contact attempts from the other couples. Sheldon proposed they move this party across the hall because he felt like dancing… and only drug fiends Tango on wall to wall carpet.

Since none of the other three had no response to that, they moved it across the hall. Five minutes later, after Sheldon had drunkenly programmed 4 versions of the song Hernado's Hideaway into a continuous loop, he seized Amy around the waist and began to stalk around the room with her. Amy hung on for dear life, not realizing she was accidentally bringing the Argentinian flavor. Meanwhile, Leonard had Penny pinned to the fridge and they were happily and drunkenly smooching and ass grabbing.

So the party was going great.

Until… there is always an until, isn't there?

Until Bernadette flung the door open, in a rage, yelling, "You people don't know how to answer a phone?"

Sheldon stepped in front of Amy, blocking her from the tiny blonde's wrathful glare. "Amy's sick." He slurred, grabbing Amy by the hand and dragging her out of the room. Leaving Penny and Leonard to fend for themselves.

There was only one person to whom he was contractually obligated to be chivalrous. And it was neither Penny nor Leonard. He was Amy's knight, the rest could slay their own diminutive dragons.

"That wasn't nice." Amy fretted.

"I have a question Doctor Fowler." Sheldon said, sitting on the bed. "When did being nice become such a big deal to you?"

Amy smiled over her shoulder, "Since people started being so nice to me." She indicated the part of the bed he wasn't sitting on, "May I?" her boyfriend indicated that she was welcome. "I am happy now. You are supposed to spread that kind of thing around." She sat down, looking in his eyes.

He scooted closer to her on the bed, "I don't think you need to be so nice to everyone." He smiled at her, "Just to me."

"You are drunk." She leaned over to him, returning his smile.

"Not that drunk. Penny drank most of the box." Sheldon defended himself, resting his forehead on Amy's. "I like touching foreheads." He said. "I feel like I can hear your brain work."

"That is because you are from a race that longs for prosthetic foreheads…"

The door flung open, Bernadette stormed in, "Oh there you are!"

Sheldon rose to his feet. "Bernadette. I request you desist from this activity known as cock blocking." He said sternly.

The irate microbiologist's eyes went wide. She looked from Sheldon to Amy who was now reclining on her back supported by her elbows. "Don't have sex! You are too drunk! A half hour of topless smooching and then go the hell to sleep!" She slammed the door with a flourish.

"I swear a brain tumor is the only explanation that make sense." Amy shook her head.

"How come you never believe that I have a brain tumor." Sheldon asked, flopping on his back next to her.

"Catch 22." She replied, "if you think you have a brain tumor you cannot possibly have one. That's what makes detection such a bitch."

"Did she mean my top. your top or our tops?" Sheldon asked, "For topless kissing."

"God knows." Amy said, turning on her side so she could stare at his profile. "Alternative proposal, how about we save the nudity and kissing for a more sober time. Instead we make a blanket fort and eat the candy contained in the emergency kit in your closet."

Sheldon heaved himself off the bed, "And the bottled water. Boxed wine makes you dry!"


	3. Anniversary Science Consortium

_Disclaimers, all hail Chuck and Bill, who own all!_

_A/N: I am not even going to try to write Lucy at this point, I don't know what the character's voice is yet. So I am going with the idea that her crazy is the kind that clings to you._

**Anniversary Science Consortium**

The issue with Raj and Lucy blew over. They were both so emotionally damaged that Amy's neurological bag of tricks gave her more bang for her buck. She had recommended a healthy course of solo dating and not worrying about what other people thought of or wanted from them. Since it was good advice, she felt less like a puppeteer controlling her meat marionettes and therefore less guilty.

With only one month to go until she jumped ship, Amy strove to improve her knowledge of the Nano-science while helping to plan Howard and Bernadette's first anniversary party. The first part had proven to be incredibly stimulating and the later even was fairly stressful because it was so far out of her comfort zone.

It was going to be very simple, just friends and colleagues. The girls inadvertently selected the venue from Howard's bachelor party, no one seemed fussed, so they went with it.

It was a fun relaxed party. Sheldon tested his theory of sharing a finite amount of alcohol with more motivated drinkers being the key to an evening not ending up on YouTube, so he agreed to share one bottle of wine with Amy over the course of the evening.

The party was a success, there was a replica of the wedding cake that never got eaten, there was dancing, chatting… there was a lot of chatting. This was a group who could talk a good game.

Toward the end of the evening, a large group gathered around Penny to prove to her that science, not only wasn't it boring, it was sexy. The initial topic: How every great technological advancement can and will be used for porn and/or sexual gratification. There were 8 men and 5 women making the case, so it was less sketchy that it would sound when she told the tale later.

"What's the joke?" Howard pondered, "Oh yes, the first words over the telephone were "Watson, I need you…" and the rest of the sentence was "To describe your underwear."

"The point is that, you know, look at history," Bernadette took over, "The printing press? The first thing they printed was a Bible, then it they went straight into porn. Photography, porn, film porn, video porn, the internet? Oh, God, yes. Porn."

"Also in medicine," Amy picked up the thread, "Viagra was developed as a treatment for low blood pressure…"

"And pheromones!" Alex piped up(she'd come as Kripke's date).

"That thing that makes men's cologne smell like ass?" Penny asked, with a bitchy look on her face.

Bernadette and Amy each got dirty smirks on their faces and replied at the same time.

"Ya it does!" Bernadette chirped.

"Mission accomplished!" Amy winked. Then they high fived and said something along the lines of "Go! Biology!"

Kripke looked at Sheldon and Howard, "You wucky bashtards."

Penny laughed and then swerved back into the conversation, "But you can let that stop you right? I mean just because porn would be an outcome would have stopped Edison from inventing the light bulb."

A hush fell over the table, the facial expressions ranged from horrified to murderous.

"What?" Penny asked, looking at her friends for support, "he was the greatest inventor in American history…" Here Penny was hit in the face with a flying sugar packet.

"Enough!" Bernadette boomed. "Use your words!" She scanned the table for a face that was merely horrified. "Leonard," she ordered, "explain this to your girlfriend."

Sheldon muttered, "I can't believe we didn't know she thought that." Amy nodded, and whispered out of the side of her mouth, "We need to plan an escape route, this could turn into a riot."

Leonard paused as if trying to think of way to present this topic without it sounding like he had been shamed by her lack of education. "The history books used in schools have kind of glossed over Edison's true contribution to science. Stealing patents and being a huge prick. Say you have a guy who steals watches, you wouldn't say, "Oh, he is the greatest watch collector in American history." He disgraced the brilliant Nikolai Tesla, whose goal was to provide free energy to the whole world, had the ability to do so and whose Alternating Current is the standard of what we use today. Edison electrocuted the man's cats for God's sake, saying it was because AC was so dangerous." Leonard tried to not sound tense, but seriously how had this never come up before?

"Well, that's not what we were taught in school…" Penny defended herself, still stunned from getting hit in the face with the sugar packet. In one voice, the table scoffed. "What next? Are you going to tell me Benjamin Franklin didn't invent electricity?"

A lone voice shrieked as if he'd had been physically wounded.

"Calm yourselves!" Amy hissed at the group, "Benjamin Franklin was an inventor, Penny, he was a great thinker, writer, diplomat, lover of women… but he did not invent electricity, nor did he discover it. He flew a kite in a thunderstorm with his grandson. He should have died from being stupid and a shit grandpa."

"Well who did invent electricity?" Penny yelled, defensively.

"Nobody!" Amy snapped, then calmed herself, "You cannot invent an naturally occurring, observable phenomenon. You can invent ways to create it, on how it can be conducted, to harness it, to utilize it. We really don't know who truly discovered it. Ancient Greeks are usually a safe bet." she addressed the table, there were shrugs and agreeable mumblings. "Penny, we aren't mad at you." The table was clearly unsure about the truth of that statement, "We are distressed about the horrors of the American educational system."

Penny threw her napkin down and stormed away from the table. Leonard looked at the girls, "I will do anything you ever ask of me if you go after her." Sighing, the women stood up and gave chase.

They found the blonde holding up a wall by the ladies room, still fuming, "Thanks for defending me!" she hissed at her friends.

Bernadette looked incredulous, "Once you say that Thomas Edison is the world's greatest inventor to a roomful of scientist, there ain't much we can do. Penny, if Quentin Tarantino were to make a revenge fantasy shoot 'em up for scientists, it would involve Nikolai Tesla frying Thomas Edison with direct current and then turning him into to cat food."

Amy nodded, "That would be a good movie. Penny, you hit a trigger button for us, we actually protected you from the worst of it."

"How?" Penny asked.

Bernadette grabbed her by the shoulders, "You thought that Benjamin Franklin invented electricity. We love you, Penny, but you've been dating a respected scientist on and off for years, you haven't picked anything up? We talk about this crap all the time!"

"Fine I am just stupid." Penny flamed freeing herself from the tiny blonde's grip.

"No you aren't!" Bernadette snarled back, "Quit using that as an excuse to not even try." She stormed off.

Penny shook her head, "Do you think I am no trying?"

"I know you aren't trying. I don't know why you aren't, but you definitely aren't. If you really want to pursue your acting, why keep working at the Cheesecake factory? It is soul death just to eat there." Amy said, leaning next to her, "You need to make a list of everything you would need to do to pursue your acting fully, then we can sit down and make a plan for you. And we'll figure out a way to help you do it."

"Why didn't you offer before!" Penny scooted closer and laid her head on Amy's shoulder.

"The same reason I've never offered to have a go at Raj's mutism. It won't work unless you are ready." Amy leaned her cheek against the top her friend's head.

Bernadette reappeared, with red rimmed eyes and threw herself into Penny's arms, "I am sorry!" she wept.

"It's okay," Penny cried, hugging her friend, choking on tears, "I knew it was dumb as soon as I said it…. Then I just started to double down on it." Then both girls simultaneously grabbed Amy and pulled her into the embrace.

"Wooh, hewoo. Kinky time wadies?" Kripke leered venturing into the hallway.

Amy glared coldly, "If we kill him and cook his heart and testicles, it will strengthen our bonds of Amazon Sisterhood." Kripke's eyes went wide and he backed away.

"Wow, Ames," Penny tilted her head, "You are amazing at improv."

"It isn't really improvisation. I think I might be possessed by a demon." Amy sighed, snuggling back into the hug.

Bernadette gave her squeeze, "That would explain so much."


	4. The New Girl in School

All hail Chuck and crew. They own all this stuff.

**The New Girl in School**

Amy wasn't worried. Why would she be worried? There was nothing to worry about it. She knew Cal Tech, she already had a handsome boyfriend, knew people in her department, 2 of her favorite teachers were going to be her direct supervisors and she would be sitting at the relatively cool table. This was going to be nothing like her entire childhood. She smiled at herself in her bathroom mirror.

Then she whirled around and vomited in the toilet.

So… she was kind of worried.

Since she'd earned her Ph.D., she had been at UCLA. She'd been a prolific publisher and fundraiser, this enabled her to rise quickly through the ranks of the researchers and make a name for herself. But there was a feeling that she may have gone as far as she was going to go at UCLA. After only 7 years, even her limited tenure was to be envied, but the department structure was such that the thought, "Who has to die for me to be named a full professor?" was more than idle musing. Once a professor had tenure, the only way you'd get their office was if they were carried out feet first.

No reminiscing! Amy thought rinsing her mouth out at the sink, today was the start of something big.

As she dressed, she reminded herself how lovely all the boys had been. Howard had gotbten her access to the Nano-tech specs she hoped to be working on, Leonard had sat down with her and explained the different scenarios where the use of Nano-technology would be appropriate, Sheldon had explained the theories behind it all and Raj… you could tell by his face he was being supportive.

The sweetest had been Sheldon though. Fretting about her lab space, warning her about the vicious air conditioning situation, emailing her a PDF map of acceptably clean ladies rooms vs. ladies rooms in handy locations, he'd been very thoughtful. It made her wonder if he was up to something, just excited about her working near him or a rich combination of the two.

Well she didn't have time to ponder, she had to get in her car and get on the freeway for her 20 minute commute.

20 MINUTES! ONLY 20 MINUTES! IN LA!

As opposed to the 60 to 120 minute commute she'd enjoyed with UCLA. She foresaw opportunities for many leisure activities that could be accomplished if one had an extra 2 ½ hours in the day.

The important thing to remember was that she was a respected scientist, not a 12 year old skipping junior high, not a 16 year old college freshman… This was going to be awesome!

Amy was just going to vomit one more time then she was going to hit the road.

She'd half expected Sheldon to meet her at the door to the bio building, instead there stood a brightly smiling Alex. "Dr. Fowler!" she waved. "Dr. Cooper asked me to come make sure you have everything you need on your first day."

"That is so sweet!" Amy exclaimed, smiling back at the pretty girl, "I promise I will not run you ragged doing too many crazy errands."

"You won't? Really? That is… so… You can't send me back!" Alex cried out, as she took Amy's bag. "I can't go back."

"Don't panic in public, dear, you'll look weak. Panicking, therapeutic vomiting and weeping hot tears of rage are what the handicapped restrooms are for."

"I wasn't panicking. I think that was more groveling." The girl looked miserable.

"Come on kiddo, I want you to meet the woman who broke my spirit." Amy beckoned.

Dr. Gemma Markham was a tiny creature, smaller than Bernadette, even. But just as sweet looking on the outside and just as much of rabid badger on the inside. Once Amy had her Ph.D., Gemma had explained, "Never make it easy on the candidates. Push them, make them learn. Don't hand them knowledge, make them earn it." Suddenly, the old battle axe was sweet as pie. They'd kept up a close correspondence. In fact when Amy had been taken off the addiction study, Dr. Gemma had been irate on her behalf. "How do they think you establish dominance in a primate lab? By just standing there and allowing them to fling feces at you?" The point was moot by that time, but it was nice to be understood.

"Dr. Markham, this is Alex." Amy said smoothly, "She is my boyfriend's graduate assistant."

Gemma looked at the girl coldly, "Not jealous, I see, Dr. Fowler."

"No. Sheldon can be challenge that not many are prepared to face." Amy laughed

"You got that right." Alex muttered.

"In any case, Alex is here to assist me with anything I need from the physics department."

"Shouldn't Dr. Cooper be doing that?" the older lady asked raisng an eyebrow.

"He would, Dr. Markham," Alex stumbled, "But he is needed to perform some revision on the nuclear fusion reactor proposal."

Gemma tilted her head back, "How tiresome." She turned to Amy smiling broadly, "Get settled Dr. Fowler, I expect you to wow and the team meeting this afternoon." The little lady then trotted out.

Amy turned and looked at Alex, "Where is the nearest handicapped restroom?"

At 11:15 she got the text she'd been waiting for.

_To AFF: If you wish to be on time for lunch at 11:30 while still completing all hygiene best practices, you must leave now. Sincerely SLC_

_To SLC: I am on my way. XOXO AFF_

Amy arrived at the cafeteria at 11:27 exactly and as she scanned the room for Sheldon and the others. At 11:28 her phone vibrated again.

_To AFF: I have been detained by lesser minds and their dithering. I will not be more than 10 minutes late. Good Lord! I feel my bowel functions shifting into chaos. Apologies, SLC. _

_To SLC: Don't fret. I see Raj, I can sit with him until you are able to join us. We can discuss your bowel functions over lunch. Cheers! AFF_

Amy went over to where Raj was sitting alone looking dejected, sat down next to him and took out her packed lunch. She greeted him, accepted his nod/wave greeting.

"Hewwwo ." Krikpe smiled sitting opposite her in the spot a fool could see was reserved for Sheldon.

"Hello Dr. Kripke," Amy greeted him blandly, "That seat is taken."

5 minutes later, Sheldon rushed to the cafeteria. He didn't want to miss Amy's first lunch as a faculty member of a superior university. He skidded to a stop seeing Amy and Raj sitting with Barry Kripke. Judging by Amy's wide eyes and Raj's look of abject horror, he was too late.

Should he flee? He should probably flee. But his feet seemed rooted to the spot as he watched Amy's expression grow less confused. Judging by the way Raj had just covered his face with his hands…

He should flee.

Amy then locked eyes with Sheldon. She stood up, collected her belongings, bid Raj a farewell, told Kripke it had been interesting and stalked passed her boyfriend wearing a look of deep disgust. She snarled, "Don't talk to me!" so only he could hear her.

She made her way back to her lab with as much dignity as a woman who supposedly allows her lover to pleasure her with model rockets then tells everyone about it could expect to have.

So much for a non-humiliating first day of school for once in her life, she thought drearily. She tried to shake it off as she prepared to give a presentation for people who believe that she is a loose woman who loves male genitalia more than most of the general population. She sat down and let her head drop to her desk.

It would be different, she thought, covering her head with her lab coat, if it were true and she were being satisfied sexually with skill and frequency, she might be able to roll with her apparent slutty notoriety with better grace. And to have her supposed dalliances enumerate by the loathsome Kripke? Too much. God knows she put up with a lot from Sheldon… This was too much.

"Amy… may we come it?" Leonard called from the door way with Howard flanking him.

She stood and glared at them, "No, you may not."

They came in anyway closing the door behind them, "It isn't what you think." Leonard explained.

"Sheldon didn't tell Kripke any of that crap?" Amy asked, swallowing hope that Sheldon might not have known.

"No," Howard grimaced, "He did."

Enormous eye roll, "Then it is exactly what I think!"

"Okay," Howard raised his hands in surrender, "Fair enough. It doesn't mean what you think it means."

"Oh, I know what it means. I can even logically deduce how it happened. When Sheldon was working with Kripke, he was felling stressed that his work wasn't up to the mark. So the reason he gave for this lapse was that I am draining him of his vital fluids."

"Not precisely!" Leonard cried, delighted to have found a crack in Amy's logic, "Kripke concluded that on his own."

"And Sheldon confirmed it? Embellished it? Invented a story about rocketing my world?" She shook with rage.

"Good pun." Howard whispered, staring at his shoes.

"Why didn't you warn me?" She implored, "you knew about this, but you didn't warn me."

"Because it isn't like you are being maligned in any way." Leonard explained, "Everything that has been said has been pretty complimentary in some shape or form. I mean to be frank, you are being credited with being exceptionally gifted sexually for having cracked that nutbag."

She opened her mouth to yell at him, but no sound came out. She was mute with rage. When she found her voice, "But none of it is true!"

"But this is a step in the right direction." Howard grinned at her, "He doesn't mind it being known that he is being unsanitary with you. That isn't the Sheldon I knew. And yes, he lied, but he lied competently. He can only do that when something is partially true or desirable."

"What Howard is trying to say is, that there is a chance, sometime in the future… the stuff Sheldon said happened, might happen." Leonard said looking down, dreading the follow up question.

"And how would you know that?"

"He told Penny and me when he was explaining what happened with Kripke that you and he having sex is a possibility."

"Penny knew?" Amy shouted, whirling on Howard, "Does Bernadette know?" Howard shook his head meekly, then looked and nodded.

"Amy!" Leonard yelled back, "That isn't the important part. Sheldon said that you to might have sex!"

"I know that! I have a clearer understanding about the status particular timetable then you do!" Amy turned away, "Go. I don't want to look at any of you. I have to prepare for the stupid meeting."

"Sheldon arranged for it to be postponed." Howard said softly, "He thought you might be too emotional to make a good impression."

Amy glared over her shoulder and they bolted. Admitting to herself, that was kind of thoughtful.

The next two hours, Amy spent, rejecting communication requests from Sheldon, Penny and Bernadette. Concentrating on her work. She knew this would blow over, she could forgive Sheldon and the girls anything. She was just going to feel this way until the rage induced chemical reaction abated on its own.

Fate, however wanted the party to continue.

"Dr. Frowrer?" a voice called from the door way, "I may owe you an apowoegy." Kripke looked sheepish.

"Dr. Kripke, please leave my lab. I have chimps in here and I know how to make them attack as group." She said staring at her work.

"Don't be wike that." Kripke said, sitting on a stool, "You guys wrear dating! Evewybody woes. It wasn't mean, or pwornagwaphic. You wrear a Wixen Amy Fawah Frowrer." When she met his eyes, he was almost leering.

"Out of my lab, you gossipy little Elmer Fudd sounding mother fucker!" she raged, "If you darken my lab door again I will sic the monkeys on you! And I'll make sure they are all coked up with nothing to lose!"

"Wow. You wrear swexy when you are angwy." His eyes were wide with wonder.

Sheldon appeared behind him and threw out the smaller man out the door by his collar, his face red with rage, "Get out!" He was still pissed when he turned to face Amy. Her visible rage snapped him out of it a little.

"Do you agree with Dr. Fudd? I am sexy when I am angry?" Amy asked her voice almost a whisper.

The answer was yes. Her face was flushed, her eyes bright, her hair slightly messy. The effect was stimulating. He clearly remembered his father telling his mother that she looked pretty when she was mad and his mother hitting his father with a bag of frozen french fries. Repeatedly. But saying she didn't look sexy angry would probably not work either… suddenly he blurted, "Your appearance is always quite pleasing."

That worked! He confused her into sputtering silence. He began to speak rapidly sensing this respite wouldn't last, "I apologize for the things that I allowed Kripke to believe about the nature of our physical relationship. I didn't supply any inappropriate details."

"But you didn't refute his assumption." She stated.

"No."

"What about the model rocket Sheldon? The one on your bedside table that apparently you have been utilizing for purposes for which it was not intended? Around my lady parts!" She was getting worked up again.

"I didn't understand that question! He asked if we used toys in the bedroom. And I mentioned the rocket." He felt a little offended that she didn't trust him or believed he meant to harm her reputation. "I am sorry, it took off and there was no way to refute it. What is the difference, we've been dating a long time, people must have assumed that we have been having intercourse."

She looked up at him, her eyebrows shot up, "Is that the road you want to go down, buddy? Really? The logical argument that two adults who have been in a relationship for going on 3 years would be expected to have sex? Because I don't know if you've noticed…" She waved her arms around, "Totally sex free zone here! Your choice, not mine. But I haven't pushed you, I haven't left or threatened to leave. I just trusted that we were going that way, but that it would take time. Then I find out that you told your friends you were thinking about having sex with me and that you have let the wider world infer great things about your sexual prowess." Amy felt the rage chemicals dissipate in her blood leaving her feeling that she just wanted a good cry and a hug. She slumped against her lab table, "Just go."

"No." Sheldon stepped in front of her, "You are upset." Hesitantly, he put his hands on her shoulders. He was relieved when she didn't shrug him off. She slid her arms around his waist and leaned against him. "Please. I'll do anything to make it better. I'll tell every person in the college it wasn't true, if that is what you want."

"No." she sighed, peeking up a his face, suddenly charmed by how sorry he truly was, "We can't give Kripke the satisfaction." She bit her lip and pulled away. "Tell him you… tell him we had coitus until the issue was resolved. Feel free to tell him how amazing I am at intercourse."

Sheldon frowned down at her, "What about your reputation?"

Amy shook her head, suddenly feeling lighter, "I reserve the right to besmirch my own reputation, thank you. My fury sprang from the fact that everyone else knew, but you didn't tell me. If we are having pretend sex, I should be the first to know."

"You are confusing me." He pulled her back to where he could rest his forehead against hers, "I can't hear your brain work. All I can hear is the crazy."


	5. Dueling Crazy Bastards

Usual disclaimers in effect.

Unusual disclaimers, this plot bunny came up last night in the Shamy Chat over the big bang forums. Much love to the Sharmy.

**Dueling Crazy Bastards**

Later in the living room of Los Robles, Raj followed Sheldon around questioning him. "So she forgave you?" he looked confused, "Why would she do that?"

"Amy Farrah Fowler is an unusually logical and reasonable woman." Sheldon sat down hard on the sofa, "She accepted my apology. She realized there had been no real harm done."

"No. You didn't hear how Kripke talked to her. If I'd been drunk, I'd have set his ass straight." Raj bragged.

Sheldon pulled back and stared at his friend, "That's right. Your selected mutism is now adversely affecting your ability to safeguard my girlfriend." He paused, "Fix it."

"What?" Raj sputtered.

"Fix it. Stop being that and become someone who is less afraid to talk in front of women, someone who can croak out a limited amount of monosyllabic words. Maybe just "Stop" or "Don't". I am not looking for miracles here." Sheldon clarified, "Fix it."

"You think I wouldn't fix this if I could?" Raj asked, eyes wide, "How can you say that to me, you crazy bastard?"

"I am crazy bastard? May I remind you that I could tell someone who was harassing your girlfriend to stop it. Wouldn't need to be drunk to do either." Sheldon replied. He didn't look offended. Not yet.

"Well," the Indian sneered, "Even if I can't speak to my girlfriend, I don't have to lie about all the sexual intercourse I am having with her."

"Are you having intercourse with Lucy?" Sheldon asked.

"No. but I could be…"

"But no talking? Unless you are drunk?" Sheldon had the guts to look amused. "Lucy's tolerant."

"Don't call my girlfriend tolerant! Amy Farrah Fowler is the most tolerant woman in the known galaxy." Raj stood up.

Sheldon no longer looked amused, "Take that back."

"No way. You've been with that wonderful, extremely **tolerant** woman 3 years and you remain stranded between first and second base. What are you up to? Forehead kisses and shoulder fondling?" Raj went in for the kill, "But she allows you to save face and let everyone keep thinking you are laying pipe like a Mario Brother. I don't know what kind of Karma she is working out in this lifetime, but her last incarnation must have been cow-damned intense!"

The taller man stood up, face twitching slightly, "But the fact remains, I have a functional relationship that will be consummated in due course, where as your chances of talking to Lucy sober… given your lack of motivation… never going to happen."

"Lack of motivation?" Raj nodded, "Care to wager on it?"

"I have just now escaped the doghouse for the Kripke thing. Wagering on timing on possible coitus? I don't need her to get that angry twice in the same week?" Sheldon replied.

"Maybe you would. Kripke told me she was sexy as hell when she threatened him with the flying monkeys." Sheldon's face blackened with rage, "Cool your jets, cowboy. I defended her honor. Amy is my friend, nobody talks shit about one of my girls to me. As long as she isn't in the room. But if I am drunk, then the offenders ass is grass."

Sheldon swallowed, "It wasn't flying monkeys," he choked out. "It was coked up monkeys."

Raj smiled at that, "Ah, your lady is a treasure." He sighed, "Don't look at it as a wager, look at it as finally settling the question of which one of is the less crazy bastard."

Sheldon shrugged, "Why not? If I am waiting for you to talk to Lucy sober, there is absolutely no rush." The men shook on it.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, Amy and Bernadette are working on a treatment plan for me." Raj smiled, "you might want to warm up the rocket."

The taller man blanched, then smiled, "Pharmaceuticals? I wonder if you'll strip naked in my kitchen or get just get another case of chronic jazz hands?"

Raj appeared amused, "Well I am only taking the drugs that Amy approves for my case. She is such a wonderful scientist. We are such lucky guys to have her around." Raj winked, "I know you have faith in her abilities… warm up the rocket, if you can, you crazy bastard."


	6. Theoretical Freaks

_**I had to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to be totally AU. At least I haven't reimagined the group as an army of demon-slayers in the Court of Louis XV… Let me know if anyone needs to read that as a one shot.**_

_**Usual humble disclaimers.**_

**Theoretical Freaks**

Sheldon shouldn't have made the bet. Amy could cure Raj, she had a plan set and ready go as soon as the annoying little man asked for her assistance.

His only hope was that Amy might be distracted and allow Bernadette feed him some experimental pharmaceuticals. Then Raj would be distracted by side effects such as loss of all body hair, extreme urination, spastic bowl syndrome, anal leakage and occasional dry mouth.

He just didn't want to be rushed! He was going to have sex with Amy, but he didn't want to be forced to alter his vague timeline. He began pacing like a lunatic. He really should have made his move the night they built the fort in his bedroom. He should have at least gone for the topless kissing the blond badger had suggested. He sighed, Amy refused. She didn't want him to do anything he might regret.

Well, that backfired, because he currently regretted wasting the last month with forehead taps and as Raj put it "shoulder fondling," since they now needed to achieve coitus. They hand engaged in some light hugging… Maybe he just needed to break the task down into manageable parts. He could start with hand holding, move into forehead tap/shoulder fondling, turn that into a hug… then… a kiss… with tongue.

And then what? Rip her clothes off? Throw her over his shoulder and march straight to bed? He felt a little dip in his stomach at that thought. Okay, so it wasn't so much a thought as a recurring dream with her dressed in either as Starfleet Medical Officer, an Orion Slave Girl or River Song. The River Song dream had been especially stimulating since he was dressed as the 9th Doctor. The 9th Doctor was the sexiest Doctor in Amy's opinion.

Clearly his subconscious was ready to roll with coitus. His body seemed to be desirous of this course of action as well… It wasn't his higher intelligence blocking this either. It was the voice of his mother that lived in his brain talking about sinning…

Was that it? A deity he didn't believe in was cock blocking him? Well… wasn't that just par for the damn course?

Meanwhile, at the Cheesecake Factory, Bernadette and Amy were leaning against the bar as a contrite Penny served Amy free drinks. "Another Appletini?" she asked a little too brightly.

"Relax, Bestie. I am not mad anymore." Amy said, nevertheless pulling the festively colored beverage to her.

Bernadette seemed wary, "You are being awful good about this."

"You should have seen me this afternoon. It was almost like one of those menstrual rages I used to get when I was 15…" Amy shook her head.

"Where the cramps are so bad you want to stab yourself in gut?" Penny smirked.

"And your body temperature spikes and the waves of anger and heat coming off you are almost visible to the naked eye?" Bernadette giggled.

"Yes. So naturally I raced back to my lab and replayed the scene over in my head. In this version, I hit Kripke over the head with Raj's lunch tray and then punched Sheldon right in the bread basket." Amy sucked down some Appletini goodness.

Bernadette sipped her drink, "Was that when Leonard and Howard showed up and ratted us out?"

"Yes it was. And I don't think I need to tell you ladies how bad your men are at calming a bitch down when she is raging." Amy chuckled as her friends raised their glasses in complete agreement. "After they left, I didn't think I could be angrier… then Kripke showed up."

"Ew." Penny made a face, "What did he say?"

"That I am sexy when I am angry." Amy rolled her eyes.

"And then you hit him with your office chair?" Bernadette asked viciously.

"You kicked him in the nuts, right?" Penny nodded her eyes blazing. "Right in the nuts!"

Amy shook her head, "No. Sheldon showed up and physically threw Kripke out by the scruff of his neck."

The girls looked disappointed.

"If it makes you feel any better, I did transfer my rage to Sheldon…" Amy said.

"it helps a little." Bernadette sighed, resting her tiny hand over her heart.

"So you guys had it out?" Penny asked. "He apologized?"

"Yes. About everything except the model rocket as sex toy rumor. He maintains he didn't understand what Barry meant when he asked if we used toys in the bedroom." Amy said, "I mean, he probably didn't. He still thinks the dolphin shaped dildo I won at the bachelorette party is an object d'arte"

"That's because it is!" Penny responded. "So you two are cool now? You have no residual punishments planned?"

"No. And I can't stay mad at him. He seemed really sorry and it was an acceptable apology. So I told him he could to tell Kripke that we had resolved our differences by enjoying angry coitus on my desk. With the caveat that my theoretical sexual prowess must be highly praised at all times." Both of her friends faces went blank, "I should be intimately involved with my own fake sex life, don't you agree?"

Penny giggled, taking Amy's empty glass, "Wow. Amy. You're a freak! One more drink on me!"

Amy's phone rang, "It Sheldon. Hello, Sheldon. We are over at the Cheesecake Factory, do you want to come join us?" pause. "You want me to what?" she looked confused, rose from her bar stool and turned her back on the girls. "Do you have a reason you want me to say that? That just seems like an odd request." Pause, "Okay here goes. Sheldon, you should continue to feel comfortable in your atheism. Your mother and her God are no longer the boss of you." Amy smiled as she listened, "because I am the boss of you, that's why." Pause "You are very welcome, Sheldon. I'll see you tomorrow."

"What was that about?" Bernadette asked, knowingly.

"He probably talked to his mom. She keeps telling him not to get me pregnant. But he seemed freaked out, he usually just tells her "I will if I want to" in his Texan accent." Amy smiled. She found Sheldon's Texan accent to be stimulating. Really stimulating. She shuddered a little. "I should go check on him, right?" without waiting for the girls to agree, "I am going to grab a taxi. Just to make sure he's all right."

Bernadette winked at Penny, "Do you want the spare key? Penny, give Amy the spare key." Amy nervously accepted the key and went to catch a cab.

Penny leaned over the bar, "What? What did you just do?"

"Sheldon's having Catholic… okay, Evangelical sex guilt. It sounds to me like Sheldon said the repressed man/boy equivalent of "I won't be damned if I let you touch my bra, will I?"" Bernadette played with a stray lock of hair. "That's an invitation to sin, honey."

"So… you think…" Penny gaped, "I better warn Leonard to stay away from the apartment."

"Good idea. Sexual repression is likely being shed." Bernadette said sliding down off her bar stool, "Now I am going to find my husband, drag him home, put on my old school uniform and let nature take its course.." She strutted off.

Penny poured herself a shot, "All my friends are freaks." She giggled.

_A/N: Okay, the next chapter will be longer. I just needed to get back in the zone on this one._


	7. It's Tricky

_**Usual disclaimers… Unusual disclaimer… Thanks Run DMC!**_

**It's Tricky**

Amy had no idea what she was doing as she climbed the stairs to the 4th floor. It was 8:45pm, so it was too late to visit without an invitation. Although, as his emergency contact, she did reserve the right to play the "concerned for you well-being…" card.

Despite forgiving everyone involved except for Jerkass, Elmer Fudd sounding… Kripke, Amy still felt a little bruised over her wild yet false sex life being so widely broadcast at her new place of employment. She needed reassurance and soothing. At that thought, she paused mid-stair. She and Sheldon had made progress today. He'd given her a good apology and had understood his error. Traditionally, any step forward meant that meant he'd be a total ass to her for a week to ten days. She grasped the bannister, she didn't know if she could tolerate that tonight or for the next ten days… Oh, well, she was here, she might as well face the music.

As she paused before the door, she heard a strange noise within. Music? Was she literally going to have to face the music?

Is that Run DMC?

It is! Someone is listening to It's Tricky by Run DMC!

The boys were being robbed by people who really loved the music of the early 90's!

No problem! Amy had the spare key and a can of mace. "_Tinted windows don't mean nothin', they know who's inside_!" Ruefully, she quietly placed the key in the lock, muttering, "Kind of regret all the bitching you did about people asking you to make up a rhyme now, aren't you Run?" Flinging the door open, she was surprised to see no burglars. Just Sheldon sitting in his spot, nodding his head to the music, a carton of boxed wine sitting on the coffee table and a Batman coffee mug clutched in his hands.

"Sheldon! What the hell?" She said putting her hands on her hips.

"Amy!" he grinned getting to his feet, "I was just drinking about you!" He gestured unsteadily with his mug of wine.

"I thought you sounded weird on the phone." She put her purse on Leonard's computer chair. "Are you celebrating atheism?"

"No. But we should drink to that. I'll get you a mug." He went into the kitchen as she clicked off the music. Sheldon came back with a new box, smiling drunkenly as he offered her a Catwoman mug to match Batman.

"What are you doing?" She accepted a dangerously full mug of wine, "why are you drinking boxed Cabernet?"

"Because I am a big chicken about everything in my whole damn life and because this is almost the same as grape juice. Did you know that? Franzia Cabernet begins its life cycle as Ocean Spray Cran-Grape?" he asked earnestly as he herded her over to the couch.

Amy sat in her spot, "That doesn't sound correct… but it feels true…" she mused taking a sip.

"Feels true?" Sheldon scoffed flopping down on the wrong side of her. "What kind of scientist are you, Dr. Fowler? Hypothesis must be verifiable and repeatable."

"You are correct Sheldon, how did you arrive at your conclusion?" she felt very disoriented, he never sat to her left. Anywhere.

Sheldon leaned closer to her and whispered conspiratorially, "I tasted it."

Then he didn't lean away. He stayed that close to her.

"Why are you a chicken?" she blushed.

"I did something dumb and I don't want to tell you." He said as he wrapped an arm over her shoulders, "I have to tell you, though. I can't think of a way out of it. You can't find out from Raj. But if I didn't have to tell you, I probably wouldn't."

Amy looked puzzled, "You better tell me."

"Raj bet me that he could communicate with Lucy without booze, texting or Morse code before I am able to engage in Coitus with you…" he looked at the floor.

"Raj bet you? He bet you that?" Amy snarled, "What are the stakes?"

"Nothing. I mean it, really. He wants to settle the question of who is the crazy bastard. Crazier Bastard. Craziest Bastard…"

Amy got to her feet and looked at her boyfriend, "What the hell is wrong with him?" she demanded putting her hands on her hips. "He knows what kind of day I've had. So he lures you into a bet designed only to piss me off?"

"I sense this would be a good time to throw Raj under the bus, but I think I am too drunk to do that." Sheldon said, watching Amy as she began to pace. "so I am I off the hook?" he gave her the drunken Koala face.

"Wait… go back." Amy said looking at her boyfriend, "You placed at bet that you would engage in Coitus with me. Is that correct?"

"Yes, ma'am." He drawled staring back at her. He meant to sound contrite, but his voice had dropped 2 octaves into the sexy zone. "I am drinking because you are going to cure him fast and so I need to step up my timetable…"

Amy sat down in Leonard's chair with wide eyes, "You have a timetable?"

"Course," he took another swig out of Batman's head, "You don't have one?"

She waved her hand at him, "We aren't talking about me right now," she bit her lip, "what is your timetable?"

Sheldon took a sip of wine, he was not up to this conversation right now. That was why he'd started drinking. "It doesn't matter." He frowned, "Now we have to get married before we have coitus."

"Was this why you called me about God?" Amy asked.

"Yeah!" He stood up spilling his wine over his Monday pants, "Oh for Pete's Sake!"

Amy put her hand over her face, shaking her head. "Go take your shower, put on your Pajamas and I will spot treat your trousers."

"Do you have a stain treatment pen?" he asked suspiciously.

"No. Monkeys throw poop at me. I have also gone out with Penny when she wears white. Getting Cabernet out of brown corduroy is in my wheelhouse." Amy said gathering the mugs.

"I am sorry." Sheldon said, as he came up behind her, "I really didn't mean for you to see me like this."

Amy put the dishes in the sink, then turned to face him. "It's not a big deal. You've seen me drunk before…"

"That's true." Sheldon said, grabbing her by the shoulders, "Do not let the fact that I am drunk make you think that I don't know what I am doing. I want to do this." He grasped her hands in his, grinning dopily at her as she raised eye brow, "I like it when you do that. You are like Spock's esthetically pleasing and alluring niece." She tilted her head in response.

Sheldon frowned at her, placed his hands on either side of her head and moved it to its full up, right position, and rested his forehead against hers. She exhaled softly, trying to slow her pulse rate, "What do you hear in there Dr. Cooper?"

"That you want me to kiss you." He whispered, pulling back to stare into her hypnotic green eyes. He took the glasses off her nose and laid the them carefully on the island. "But I have to complete one more step before I can comply." He took her arms and placed them around his neck then wrapped her in his own.

_Sheldon is hugging me! I can feel the dampness from his wine soaked genital against my stomach. That is covered by my new light colored sweater that is also now wine stained… GOD DAMMIT! FOCUS FOWLER! _

"Okay," Sheldon said, pulling out of the hug, yet still entwined with his girlfriend. "Here comes the kissin'." Amy blushed beet red and nodded. Holding her head very still again, he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. She inhaled deeply and began moving her mouth against his. When he followed her lead, she started making exciting little kitten noises. In the small part of his brain that was neither drunk nor reckless, he wondered if the introduction of tongue would be necessary…

Happily, that part of his brain was not leading the charge here. His drunken limbic system hollered "Giddy up, Cow Poke!" and made him slide his tongue into her warm mouth. She tasted like wine, and green apples.

After 37 seconds of hungry animal noises and shared moistness, Sheldon pulled back from the kiss. Amy's head remained tilted up and she smiled at him. "Okay. So that works." He nodded. "I can do that sober, I promise."

She laughed throatily, as she buried her face in his chest, "That's good."

"But I don't know if I can do the next part, drunk or sober." He rested his chin on the top of her head. "I need to carry you into the bedroom… then we coitus each other's costumes off." The sexy eye brow was raised again, "You are either Starfleet Medical, an Orion Slave Girl or River Song."

"Which Doctor?" she asked.

"9th." He responded.

"How about this weekend?" She asked excitedly.

"No." he sighed, "Weren't you listening? Now we have to get married first." He glanced over her head petulantly.

"Because of God?" Amy asked, "Even though you are an atheist and I am a militant Agnostic? Remembering our enduring virginity? That we are in our 30's, and in a committed relationship?"

"I blame my mother." Sheldon sighed. "My pants are wet and stained."

"So is my cardigan. I should probably call a cab and go home…"

"You should stay here." He said forcefully, then backed up a bit, "I mean if you want to stay, you should stay."

Amy thought for a moment, "What about our state of stained moistness?"

"Let's just throw everything into the bathtub with some shampoo and hope for the best." He took her hand and pulled her back toward his room. "Give me your cardigan," he said as he closed the door behind him. "Your blouse is stained too." She pulled off the sweater and blouse. She stood facing him in just her tank top with her creamy arms… and observable breasts and tiny waist… "I am going to shower." He said, his face contorting as he grabbed his jammies and rushed out the door. "Your emergency sleep over kit is under the life raft in my closet." He called once the door was shut behind him.

As she fished the kit out of the closet, she realized, "First kiss on the first day of school…. This is off to a good start!"


End file.
